I really like you. But my fear is you'll just reject me when I tell you. If I am rejected one more time, I'm afraid I'll give up on men all together. I don't want to give up.

In lieu of Halloween:

My grandmother died on June 4th of this year. When alive, she was a restless soul. When dead, she was a restless soul.

She smoked too many cigarettes...this is part of why it happened. A year before, her body just stopped. She was running to work, going to book club meetings, going to church...and one day, she couldn't get out of bed...Her body was simply too tired. We (my mom and I) took care of her for a year after that...She went to the hospital at the end of May...I was with her the entire night before she passed on June 4th. I held her hand, kissed her forehead. But, she didn't know I was there. She must have been roaming somewhere else, in past tense, in a memory...
She came to see me the night after she died. I didn't believe in ghosts until that moment. I slept until 2am. Then I awoke to her half present body; a white nightgown, black arms (she lost circulation before she died), a blured face...It took me several moments to realize it, but when it hit me, I was terrified. I lept from my bed and ran towards the door, only to see this figure, still present and strong, running towards the window...When I screamed, she evaporated from bottom to top.
I was angry...she had scared me...Now, I am sad. Maybe it was her last chance to visit her loved ones before she left our realm forever. If I could to it over again, I would tell her how much I loved her.

Bottom line, we're all completely conflicted.
















(my wall of inspiration. painting studio.)

Every day, I become more and more alive.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

...Sometimes I worry that I do not know how to love...